My cat has been sulking these days.
Probably because i have insisted that he sleep in the toilet at night.

It has been a long haul for me. Probably for many around me. Ultimately i am the only one left to pick up the pieces. Frankly how many can help me to do that? Not that i expect anyone to. Not even him really though he tried what he could. Perhaps i am like nursing a sick puppy in my arms refusing to let the vet take a look at it. Perhaps the hurt is there and will never go away. Question is, what do i want to do about it. There was a time i didn't want to do anything. I did not want to forget. There might be some sadistic pleasure in it, abusing of self, but why lie and say that i can let go when i know that i cannot. Not by a long mile. And most possibly, this is what going to damned the second chance that we are having in this relationship. I refused to accept that it has come to that, our second chance. I still alternate between anger and hurt, to move on and to stay on because i have not rid my system of all the poison fed into it. I have been screwed up badly. Perhaps i should say "had", but some hurt fester. Will this? Everyone must be sick of me twisting and turning around in circles on the same spot. Some sadistic pleasure. To constantly dig up painful memories. Why? Everyone liked to know. I would like to know too.

Actually i do think i am better. These "attacks" come less frenquently. But when it comes, i drove everyone crazy. Everyone? Perhaps just him. Looking at my blog. I have written about nothing else. I madden me. Or is that the other way round? The degree of self involvment is staggering. I am sick of myself now really. Time to pick myself up and be angry somewhere else. Somewhere no one else would see me while living the rest of my life the way i used to. Time to cover up the pain and let them ache out of sight. Its really time isn't it? Things must be getting better. Perhaps i see the exit out of deep forest but refused to move out. I don't know what is waiting for me. But its really time to move out whether i like to or not. More for his sanity since i have lost mine somewhere.

The blog will be a good place to start.
Time to write about other things.

I spin lies that i hope no one else would believe but me.

Reactions to you.

You are not interested to know whats happening to me
and i am also afraid to let you know.

For fear of giving you pressure.
For fear of giving you stress.
For fear of driving you away.
For you i must control my impulses, my delusions.

I wish i could help you.
I wish you could help me.
But you are unwilling to let me help you.
Perhaps i can't do it.
Yet i really wanted to.
To feel useful.
To feel needed.
To feel wanted.

How can you help me?
You really have no time.
I don't blame you for that.
You can't help it.
I wish i could help you.

I am so afraid to let you see what's happening with me.
Because you don't want to.

Do you know?

Perhaps there is a need to keep things short because of what i've become.
Paranoid.
Especially when time is limited.

Its knowing what i have became and trying to do something about it.
I do not have control over my thoughts.
It is always a losing battle.
Some days are better.
I gave my monstrous shadow a few good whacks before it claimed me.
But i will probably lose this one.
On my own.
I just need to keep myself alive till the next day.

Do you know what effect you have?
The things you do, the things you say, the attitude you have.
Don't hide things from me.
Yet i know you do that to save yourself time.
Precious time.
Especially today.
Its doing certain things and knowing why it has to done.
Don't lie to me.

The process of paranoia is never nice to watch.
Some days i can see myself deteriorating.
Other days it happened too fast.
It is upon me before i know what happened.
Some times you are around to make it okie.
Other times are... like now.
You can't.
Perhaps not because you don't want to.
But you can't.

Deeper and deeper i go.
Darker and darker my thoughts become.
Halt.
Trying to put on the brakes.
Stop stop stop.
If i can continue typing here and rationalizing as i go along,
perhaps it will.
But i am so tired.
I want to give up and sink beneath the murky waters.
It takes so much of me to keep a tiny side of me here,
continuing typing
prolonging the eventuality of descent.

You talk to me more you said.
Can such things be measured?
Quantity?
I need you to talk to me when it matters.
But now it matters all the time.
Dilemma.

See how my dark thoughts intrude even here?
Should i give myself up now?
Who is here to help me?
I have to keep reminding myself that it is not me.
If she called, it would be the same.
It has become harder and harder to convince myself.
My thoughts run wild.
She must have called just now.
Did i hear something in your tone of voice?
How many rings it took before you picked up the phone?
She must have emailed as well.
Did you reply her?
You promised you wouldn't!

Slow down.
Out of control.
You promised.
I am trying my hardest.
Don't you know?
I am trying my hardest to believe you, to trust you.
Don't you understand?
I am really trying my best.
Why is it not good enough?

Draining.
I know the quickest solution to all these thoughts.
Have a sleeping pill and pass into oblivion.
At least for tonight.
You said you will talk to me tomorrow.
I am trying so hard to not take that solution.
But i really cannot stand it anymore.
These violently rolling thoughts are getting out of control.
And too much to bear.

I want to be well!!!!!!!!!!!

I have succumbed.

Sometimes its unfortunate.
Wrong time, wrong phone call.
Yet i couldn't yet but wonder if its just that
or only me.

Hows the email, sms, phonecall situation today?
You really wanted to end the conversation.
If she were to call now, would it be the same?
Or only me?

I turn around to go back to face my own thoughts.
Thoughts i do not want to have.
Is that something wrong with us?
Or only me?

No amount of waiting will change anything.

Somethings you cannot admit to yourself.
Like I make you weary.
Like you would not like to see me.
Like you are not worried as much as you are professing it.

You make it so hard for me to be normal.
Its a vicious cycle.
And i tried so hard.

I know what i have to do.
Why do i then hang on to the phone?

Perhaps emotions that are dead, remains dead.

Somedays you can be worse than a passerby.
WIth passerby, they are part of the natural surroundings.
Nothing comes attached.
Yet with you, there is a pervasive sense of alienation.
A delibrate alienation.
Nothing is the same i know.
I cannot feel anything from you.
I cannot sense anything from you.
Other than obligation and perhaps,
a conscious need to appear like you are not trying to avoid.
Is this trying?

Can you hear what i am trying to say?

The nights are the worse.

"Can i talk to you tomorrow?"

It is always tomorrow.
Can i say no?

Letters to you.

I sense so little from you these days.

I held myself back.
From feeling and saying things.
I curbed my impulses for you.
That is expected of me.
What is expected of you?
Time?
Merely time?
Time which showed me over and over again that
perhaps you aren't even convinced about why you are here.
Do i hold you back?
Are you being responsible?
I cannot tell.

Tired?
Or an excuse?
Both?
Can you even tell?

Do you resent me?

Do you?

The need for truth and answers.

Letters for you.

Am i doing it for myself or for you?
Despite all, "sorry" hung on my lips.

1 step forward, 2 steps back.

I am trying so hard to gain control of myself.
Yet sometimes i betray myself and falls into the spiral of madness.
To wake up in tears yet not remembering why.
To be awake and never felt more detached from the world of physical sensations.
Paranoia.
Suspicion.
Fear.
Crippling fear.

I had been in deep forest
where time passes by
and didn't mean a thing.
Desolute and overwhelming,
I lost all.
Some days, all i see and feel
are darkness around me.
Occasionally, a ray.
I did not try to find my way
out of deep forest.
I did not feel the need.

But at least now, I am looking for an exit,
despite seeing none.
I am looking.

Why did you stay?

You sounded tired.
Do i sound the same?
What must be done?
How do you feel really?
Really really really?
Would you tell me?
What is that look in your eye?
What is it?
Why?
I need to know.
What do we have now?
What is it we are trying to do?
Are we doing anything?

Why?
I still need to know why?
How many whys can you answer?
I am self-destructive, i know.
But i cannot help it.

Why won't butterflies die?

Nothing is ever going to be the same anymore.
I hate it and yet see the reality of it.
I need hugs and kisses.
I want to rant and rave.
Trying is truly tiring at times.
Will it ever be alright again?

Some days i go crazy.
Some days i am ok.
Some days i just don't know why.
Other days I am alright.

It is my fault.
I have killed aurorin.